Franklin Booth study As someone who's taken a lot of "inspiration" from Booth, I'd say try loosening up with the hatching, and keeping lines more continuous. If you look closely at his patterns, the actual strokes follow contours veyr naturalistically, and you can push these curves to add much more depth. You can see how your lines straightened out when you moved to the inkwork. He also subtly plays with line weight a lot more, see if you can push it to the level he has going on.
Personally, I love your pencil sketch more for those reasons, it feels less rigid which helps a lot in the flow of the piece. Franklin is less "tight" than you would expect, his sharpness comes more from line placement and control rather than the parallelicity of the linework itself. I think if you reattempted the pencil sketch at like, a 25% larger scale, you'd be able to add more detail and lines in for each of the surfaces, and that would do a lot to pop it out.
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